QUO VADIS

I am not impeccable……I have maybe numbers of waterloos that I am fighting out to overcome. I have thousands of disturbing imaginations in my thoughts. They are playing in the whirlwind of my mind.  Nobody can reach them. They are just there I am making fancy of myself. Sometimes these thoughts and lucid imaginations make me laugh, make me cry, make me frustrated, upset and depressed. Who understands anyway? Who cares?  Yet I am still within the limits of my sanity. Whoever touches my tiny soul- I will have a life time rapture.

Between wake and sleep cycle, I can say that I have 3-4 hours of sleep. I have sleeping disorder and my insomnia is killing me to death.  Can’t really get enough sleep. I often seize the night –carpe noctem! -  when I ought to be sleeping and dream of things where my imagination leads me—either to the world of nowhere, the world of nightmare or to the fantasy of naughtiness…hahahaha  I am a woman of mischief but those are all in the mindset.

When I wake-up between dusk and dawn, I feel giddy. I want to sleep more and curl my body and continue dreaming again but the alarm clock of my cell phone keeps on snoozing as though telling me; “you lazy bum, pick up your ass and get a bath.”  My timid body obeys what my mind dictates. Guess what? It took me 30 minutes to compose myself inside the bathroom. Once the cold stream of water dripping all over me, I come back to reality that I must report to work. 

Oh life stinks sometimes for me. Raising three (3) kids is kinda astronomical responsibility. Teaching them what is the lesser evil, putting them under my complete control, be great in their studies, meeting heaven and hell to send them to school, etc. Now they are all grown up and they have their own rational thinking what they want to do with their lives. It is sad though that few years from now they will choose their own path and I will be left alone. When that time comes, I am readying myself. My life can be so desperately lonely without them but I cannot hold back their dreams. Even I have a dozen of kids or 3 kids, it does not make difference. Once they have their own family, I will still be left alone…..Maybe that time I am retired so I would like to spend my leisure time pouring my thoughts and imagination writing a book.

I have traversed the time. I have imagined myself contained in an hour glass where the north globe meets the south globe. It does not literally mean that I have traveled into time like a time machine. I have numerous ups and downs in the past that teaches me one thing- to depend on myself because it is like a limbo asking help even from your own true bloods. Yet I never thwarted the past. This makes me a stronger person and let me realize to understand the existence of human beings that we are not here for ourselves alone but for others. The only challenge is that, it is hard to embrace circumstances beyond our control. Albeit, I still have to think the possibilities life can offer us…big or small, like Winnie the Pooh. Though Winnie the Pooh is a chubby stuffed bear, he thinks that life has  thousands of possibilities. We only need to think about these possibilities. I am the kind of person who believes that miracle do happen. It is within the concept of our mind if we want to live with it and we want to work on it. Prayers and faith can let miracle happen. If you have a doubt, then never expect it to happen.

Quo Vadis? Where my life leads me? I cannot predict my future for I am not a seer not unless God will open my eyes and let me see my future. No matter how strong or weak am I , it is me who will make my own destiny.